This story first appeared on the Local Moms Network.
Depending on the perspective, sleepovers can be a childhood rite of passage full of fun, friendship and memories. But they can also cause anxiety for parents for many concerns: physical safety, emotional readiness, bullying, screen access, and more.
Deciding whether (or when) your child will join a sleepover party is a family decision, and one that may even cause friction between coparents that usually see eye to eye.
To gain an understanding of the benefits and risks, know if your child is ready, and explore alternatives for traditional sleepovers, The Local Moms Network turned to two child psychologists and moms, Heather Tedesco, PhD, author of Raising a Kid Who Can and Lauren Quetsch, PhD, author of Good Enough Parenting. Here’s what they say parents need to know:
Recognize the Signs Your Child is Ready for A Sleepover
First, ask yourself does my child really want to go? “If a child is excited to spend a night away from home and has a friend who they have gotten along well with on playdates, they may be ready for a sleepover,” says Tedesco.
Nighttime potty training success is also another clear sign. “Children who continue to have accidents in grade school may feel embarrassed if they need assistance or may be more prone to accidents if they are in an unfamiliar place,” notes Quetsch.
Finally, think about your child’s nighttime routine—if it’s a metaphorical nightmare, a sleepover might be too much. “If your child struggles with falling or staying asleep, self-care, new situations, or separating from you, they may not yet be ready for this step,” explains Tedesco.
Ask The Right Questions
Speaking to the parent(s) who will be there is key. “You can ask what their rules are regarding bedtime, if there are any general plans for the evening, what activities may or may not be allowed (such as videogaming or YouTube viewing), who will be in the home during the sleepover, how many kids will be there, and how the parent would handle it if your child becomes upset or asks to go home. You can also ask about any items that may be in the home that concern you, such as guns, alcohol, or drugs,” says Tedesco.
Know the Benefits….
Sleepovers can be a core memory that build independence, and the experts say there are plenty of positives. “Sleepovers can give kids an opportunity to develop social skills by interacting with peers in an informal, unstructured way. Sleepovers can deepen friendships and help kids broaden their perspective by seeing how other families live, which can increase empathy and mental flexibility,” says Tedesco.
….and the Risks
Once your child is out of your sight, there are inherent risks–particularly if you don’t know a family very well. “Obviously, a lot of parents will think about worst-case scenarios such as sexual abuse, maltreatment, or other harm. However, most cases of abuse and maltreatment happen from within the family and risk is low for members outside of the family unless these become regular visits. All this to say that it is always a good idea to know a family well, teach your child safety, and trust your gut. If you or your child ever get any weird feelings from a family, it might be safer to shy away from sleepovers,” says Quetsch.
If You’re Not Ready, Consider Alternatives
Whether it’s you or your child that isn’t ready for sleepovers, know that there are other options for kids to have fun outside of a traditional playdate, like a sleepunder where kids stay at a get together right up until bedtime. “Kids can also get the same benefits of growing their independence and adaptability, increasing their social skills and building friendships, and broadening their understanding of how other families live by other activities, such as spending a day with a friend’s family, spending the night with a trusted relative, going camping in a group, or hosting a sleepover at your house,” says Tedesco.
Finally, Tedesco urges parents to look at the reason they’re questioning the sleepover idea. “If you are opposed to sleepovers because you are afraid, take stock and see whether your fears are evidence-based, if they can be mitigated through conversation with the host parent, and whether your kid may be more ready than you,” she says.
And remember—there is no “right” answer—every family and child is different. Says Tedesco: “If your child (or you) is not ready yet but wants a sleepover in the future, use that goal to plan how to prepare your child and yourself. Chances are good you’ll be working on ways to help them to thrive well beyond one night at a friend’s house.”
More from The North County Moms:
How to Help Kids from Toddler to Teens Get Over Back-to-School Blues
5 Ways to Center Yourself for the New School Year
Surgeon General Warning on Social Media: What Parents Should Know
